It has been quite a few days, especially the whole of last week, which was nothing but chaos around, that has some how slip in the chaos within.

Other than the usual hospital follow-up visit that was pretty much the standard in our family, and surprisingly, this was the most peaceful day across the week leading to rehearsal night, the rest was craziness.

Coming back to the office with some unresolved long-term solution started hitting all my nerves under my skin.

Usually, this doesn't hit me hard because I usually just need to find a solution and be done with it.

Then the constant crashing from the server despite we did all we could was already unconsciously driving me further to the edge, which never the case for me.

The one after another multiple overload crash was the straw that broke this camel's back.

By the Grace of God, there was no spark of fire, but the shear tension of trying to get the office working while one after another ungrateful peers kept expecting the situation to be done soon drove me to an insanity that I almost totally shut down my emotions, one which I promise the love of my life I will never do this again, because that chilly ice cold me would have no doubt get things done, but will probably blazed the decade built office trust into ashes with my sharp sinful tongue.

Finally, after multiple stream of tears, I managed to pick up the shattered ego, chuck it to the emotional bin, and did whatever necessary to get the office run at bare minimum.

Staying back in the dark office when there is not a single soul left except me monitoring the network flow gave me solace to pull myself together before returning home to the responsibility tending the elderly as my after hours priority.

So many times I could have just said, "I quict and you go deal it yourselves" but will not honour God for the blessings to work with an understanding HR boss (who so happened to fall and hurt her elbow th next day).

While in my rut of trying not letting the voice of the enemy sink into my ego to entice me to self-condemn, the scripture that ran through my head was

"My presence will go with you. I'll see the journey to the end"
Exodus 33:14

The only comfort I had for the whole 20 hours was I know the very fact that God was with me. The Holy Spirit never left me, and allowed me to just tear in His presence, knowing I wasn't alone.

Finally, after all the chaotic moments resolved one at a time, where every hurdle was crossed and the dust settled, I started having a post-mortem on how I wasn't able to handle as calmly as I should have.

This frustration was never necessary. But somehow, my brain wasn't wired with total logic that I used to.

And then 💡like a light bulb switched turned on, God led me to this interview that could have shed some light to my situation.

And, this podcast's discovery came into my feed right after what was necessarily done was all completed.

That is to bravely walk through on choppy seas in this chaotic storm with Him, and still be alive to sing it out for HIS glory

So apparently, my physical condition detected from my recent full checkup where I found out why all my hormones were firing up at all the wrong places (aka. Pre-menopause) has some how not just turned my emotions upside down, it will affect the brain as well.

The lengthy detailed interview above does clear up a lot of reasons to roller-coaster emotions vs depression and somehow there were some remedies to slow down this instability.

But most importantly, the realisation of having the conclusion to readily embrace what is to come with Jesus, no matter how He solves this condition, while constantly reminding myself to forgive myself, is utmost crucial.

(The professor did mention that it's going to pass and get better as long as nothing malignant sprouts out)

Until Then

Stay healthy, stay curious and learn new things, and stay happy!

If you would like to give some encouragement outside HIVE with some fiat backing, please feel free to visit: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/littlenewthings

You can also support me in HIVE

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Daily Activity, Moving Around Office, Walking