Splatfest
A couple days ago I wrote a silly post about levitation because why the fuck not and in it mentioned that I once levitated a person who subsequently went splat on the pavement when the levitation didn't go quite to plan. No human was harmed in that episode...[and if you believe that you're fucken bonkers!]
Anyway, someone responded in comment about their own splat-experiences and we were having a laugh about vertical splatting. I'll get to that, and the purpose of this post, in a bit but first what is a splat?
A splat is when something soft, wet or moist, hits a hard surface with a great deal of force.
Example: Someone drops you off a really tall building...You'll go fucken splat when you hit the ground. Makes sense right?
Vertical splatting
This is something else again and something most people (if they're honest) have done and it's hilarious...when someone else does it.
It's when a person walks into a post, wall, door, bollard...pretty much anything hard by accident. It can also be when one trips over and goes splat on the sidewalk, face first is best. I've done it, more times than I can count, and the person I was commenting with has too. She says (paraphrased):
Once upon a time about twenty million years ago I was out with some Uni friends...was walking beside the group looking intently at them. I walked into a signpost (because of how I had my head turned it was somehow out of my very wide periphery vision) which everyone thought was hilarious. Then I walked into a bollard...saw the other bollards and completely misjudged the distance between them and did not register that I needed a half step either way, still hilarious. The one that nobody including me can explain is when I walked into a building support pillar which was 2-3 times as wide as I was, and at that point while still laughing their asses off they were probably actually concerned and decided I needed to walk in the middle of the group.
That's vertical splatting at expert level folks, a real fucken splatfest!. (Thanks @ryivhnn for sharing your splats.)
So, I figured it could be a bit of fun to hear about your vertical splats if you're willing to share; hopefully you have a funny story to share in the comments below and don't worry, we won't be laughing at you, just with you...because it can be sort of funny right?
Ok, if I'm honest we'll probably laugh at you a little bit, so if you're overly sensitive don't share it.
Here's one of my vertical splats
I was heading to an important business meeting in the city dressed in a full suit looking like I knew what I was about, and was walking towards the glass-fronted building where the meeting was feeling good, confident and ready for business.
As I approached the big glass doors a beautiful woman walked out of the building, I mean she was a stunner! Anyway, because I'm me, I sort of looked and as she walked by I kept looking...the problem was that I kept walking toward the building while looking at her. I thought I had plenty of space between me and the doors but...nope, I fucken smacked into them hard, head still turned looking at the woman, and the noise it made was momentous because the sliding doors rattled on their hinges. It fucken hurt. I tried to compose myself, look super-cool and all, then took a look around hoping no one saw but...yep, that hottie had stopped and was looking right at me, a smirk on her face at my self-inflicted misfortune. It wasn't cool at all and neither was I.
I shrugged my shoulders at her, threw a lopsided smirk at my idiocy, and she smiled...I felt better then, at least I made her smile. We both went our separate ways and that was that...a fucken embarrassing vertical splat.
If y'all want to share one please do so in the comments below. If y'all don't want to share one that's completely fine as well.
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Omg Galen, so sorry for the uffff moment.
Part of life.
I am not sure I have ever done anything like that. I mean, I run into stuff all the time, but it never really happens as a splat. More like I bang my head on countless cabinet doors or the awning arm on our travel trailer. Pretty lame I know!
Banging heads on doors and awnings are vertical splats.
For the life of me, I can't remember a vertical splat of mine. The only real splat I remember was training jiu jitsu. I pulled an arm bar on a guy but didn't tighten up to finish because I wanted to let him escape and transition positions as you do when you spar. He spazzed out of the position and I pitched forward onto my shoulder as I turned my head to save my face. That shoulder popped right out and I slammed it back in before I could reconsider. Pretty damn big splat to witness I bet.
As a typical Canadian, when I think SPLAT, it is often in context to hockey hits. That is about 4 minutes of splats if you don't know what I am talking about. ;)
This is pretty epic!
Yeah, jiu jitsu splats are always entertaining...serves you right for trying to save your face!
Just kidding of course.
Ice hockey splats are good too, seen many.
No wonder all of them have a beautiful smile full of teeth.
I have tripped over things often enough in my life and bumped into something like a door frame or something, but the last vertical splat I remember very well was this year in April. We had taken the car to the garage for the annual MOT test, which was done faster than expected so we could pick up the car very quickly. We decided that we wanted to go away with Skipper afterward. But before we went to pick up the car I would quickly let Skipper out so that he would have an empty bladder while waiting for us to come back. Now Skipper had already heard something about being allowed to come along, so he thought that it was already time. He started running as soon as we came outside, and a 50-kilo dog is damn strong, so there was nothing else for me to do but run with him. It would have gone well if that 1-meter-thick oak tree had not been in the way. Skipper ran past it nicely, and I saw that I would crash into it but could not stop or swerve. The vertical splat that followed stopped both me and Skipper. And after picking up the car from the garage, it was not a trip with Skipper, but a trip to the emergency room of the hospital.
Well now, this is vertical splatting at the next level. Splat 2.0.
I like it, I like it a lot, but would have liked it better had I been there to witness the vertical splat in person.
Also...I hope you weren't too I jured after this awesome splat!
I remember very well, my partner saw happening it from inside the house. And his reaction at first was a laugh. Then he came running out, asking if I was okay. When I said "NO" he started looking. I had a tear on the outside of my upper lip and a hole on the inside in the same place. The tear on the outside was glued and the inside was able to heal by itself. Luckily it was not completely torn. In the end, I had that glue on my lip for 10 days before it fell off. And now about 4 months later there is nothing much left to see, only people who know see it. And luckily I hardly notice it anymore, except for a small bump of scar tissue on the inside of my lip that will probably go away. So all's well that ends well.
Not too bad as far as injuries go, it could have been much worse. I wonder if you still go past that tree these days...and if you give it a kick when you do. (Just don't hurt your foot!)
It could have been a lot worse, yes, in that respect I was lucky. At first, I said to my partner, "We should cut down that tree and turn it into table tops, then we can make money from it too!". But of course that is not allowed, and after a day I decided that the tree could not help it either. It had been there for many years before I was even born. So instead of getting angry at the tree, I still admire it every day and I am happy that I can at least enjoy a little bit of nature around me. That is a lot more difficult for many Dutch people. Nature is so important to us, even if the feeling of "being one with nature" sometimes turns out to be a bit painful if you try to take it too literally.
I'm glad you forgave the tree, it was just minding its own business after all. I wonder if it tells its tree friends about that time it had a vertical splat with a human though. 🤔
I am sure that tree has told every tree in the area about it. Every time I walk past it I hear the branches rustling as if they are laughing at me. The ones that are close by make the same noise, every tree on the forest path seems to be laughing at me. My partner always says that it is fairly windless there and that he never hears that kind of noise. So it must be that those trees are laughing at me. Luckily they have not changed position so another splat is almost impossible. But never say never!
Those trees are definitely laughing...but that's ok, it's nice to know they still have something to laugh at despite how humans treat nature.
Bahahahhahahahhaaaaa now that splat is pure comedy gold XD whodathunk that all those stupid moments in the movies where the guy walks into nonsense because thwy were too busy ogling was actually based on reality XD
Oh tripping and faceplanting also counts? How about if it's not quite a faceplant? In which case I have done more since, here's a couple of work-related ones.
This winter literally just gone, I invented a game to train fast running on toes for the groups I coach. It involves me or one of my assistants being a sleeping dragon on the vault mats, and the kids tiptoe running from about 16m out as fast as they can to steal one of the beanbags on the beatboard. We give them 3-4 seconds depending on level and if we hear them (because they're running flat footed and thus very noisy) or time elapsed, we rise and give chase. One of the kids turned out to be REALLY FREAKING UNEXPECTEDLY FAST AND QUIET and was already halfway back when I'd finished the count so I jumped the full distance I was capable off the mats (I usually aim to land close behind them) and started sprinting. However on this day I was only wearing socks as my old shoes were wet through on account of having holes and it having been raining, so of course I slipped. Was fully intending on rolling out and demonstrating why I always make them practice safety rolls, however the direction I'd slipped in, there was a class of small children right where I was going to stop, so I washed off what I could and collapsed dramatically to my knees on the vault run instead, which was a lot more jarring (I was fine, didn't even bruise) with a lot less casualties.
My daughter's class quite adamantly told her that I had fallen flat on my face XD I took my socks off for the rest of the game.
About a month or so ago, I was setting up an obstacle course for one of my classes and did my usual of testing it out. There was one part where they were supposed to forward roll down a wedge and me being lazy and just wanting to run through it (I knew they could all forward roll down this particular wedge without a step block) I popped up on the wedge and ran down it.
I'm not even sure what happened, whether the fact the wedge was soft made me sink lower than expected or whether I got caught on something, but either way my step off was funny and I dropped forward, heard several gasps/cries in the background, rolled out and popped up running cheerfully announcing (mostly for one of my students who had arrived and was watcihng while waiting for class to start) AND THAT'S WHY YOU SAFETY ROLL.
The old pretend to turn your vertical splat into a learning opportunity for the kids ploy. Smart! 😋
That would have been a funny splat, I wish I was there to see it.
The second scenario doesn't count as a vertical splat because there was no splat...I would have liked that story better if you splatted yourself on the wall or, better still, some poor unsuspecting little kid who also went splat!
Thanks for being a good sport (and splatter) and playing along with the fun nature of this post.
The kids definitely found it hilarious so there is that XD
LoL fair, I did nearly run into the wedge that the kids were meant to wall run up but did not. I only considered it a splat as I lost my footing and I am grace and poise literally only when I'm directly dealing with the students every other time I will walk into doorframes and walls and furniture and equipment that has been in the same place for decades
Maybe you just like to have an audience when you splat!
These stories are great!
I'll tell you two: One was in a church, when I was very young, very young... I didn't go to that church for a long time, my family was very catholic, I had to go, and they reformed the church, when I entered I did it as usual and I didn't see the new glass that they had placed as intermediate doors.... the church was full of people and the noise of my head and my whole body on the glass sounded in the whole church. A great shame.
The second one: I learned to ride a bicycle when I grew up, I had never had one before. Learning when you are 18 years old is more difficult but I insisted until I succeeded. But in the process I hit a wall. I saw it stop but I couldn't stop as if I couldn't do two things at the same time, pedalling and braking. It hurt so much! And I got hurt a lot, bleeding on my arm and leg.... but I learned🤣
Church glass splat? Bloody hell, even Jesus would have had a laugh at that! I'm sorry I missed it.
I'm pretty sure Jesus has done many vertical splats as well.
Lol, two things at the same time is hard to do it seems...but it's a good thing or you wouldn't have given people a laugh with the, crashed your bike because you can't do two things at once splat!
The worst of all is that everyone in the church turned to .... and when it came to the bike my brother was there, he laughed his head off... without helping me!
That day I couldn't do two things at the same time hahaha but I have improved!🤣
Luckily, I've never had a splat from a height in my life, because that would have been very fucked up, because in my life I was involved in various works at heights - painting works, facade works, I worked on the installation of security installations, set up cameras and various antennas and sensors .... I have been on ladders and at heights too often.
If I had fallen from one of those heights, I certainly wouldn't be knocking here with you right now...
As in your case, if I say that I now have an office with glass doors, you can conclude that the three of us colleagues, who work in it, each had our own acquaintance with glass doors in very close contact 😀
But that was already said...
I'm going far into the past... During elementary school, something around 1985-1986.
We watched the then very popular Australian movie BMX Bandits and all the kids got on the bikes.
Equally those who knew how to drive, but also those who could not, but wanted to drive...
Next to the school yard there was a narrow passage, slightly more than 1.5 m wide, through which we regularly raced, went parallel, passed each other.
And so, I, who was riding a bike well on one side of the passage, at full speed, and on the other end a friend who was not a good rider...
We go quickly towards each other, I a little faster, and he, more uncertainly, slower.
At the moment of passing, when everyone should be on their own side of the aisle, he loses control out of fear, I press hard on the brake, he doesn't do it, but starts screaming out of fear ... And splash...
Epilogue..
Scraped knees and elbows, nodules on the head, one bloody nose and a bruise under the eye...
🤣
That's a good splat indeed and some decent injustices to go along with it.. you must have an expert level of vertical splatting!
Keep splatting, life is more interesting when splatting!
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