Lights, Camera, Long Periods of Inaction
It’s time Hollywood recognised the blockbuster potential of Test Cricket, argues radio host, comedy performer and England cricket fan, Tim Ames.
When it comes to self-promotion, cricket can learn much from it’s brash, boastful trans-Atlantic cousin. Say what you like about Americans, but they don’t muck about when it comes to telling people how good they are at their national sport.
It would be a remarkable statistic — in any sport — for one country to have the world’s top sides for a whole decade: to do it for twenty or thirty consecutive years would be nothing short of astonishing.
Consequently, the dear old Yanks are enormously proud of the fact that every single Baseball World Series for over a century has been won by an American team. The fact they don't let anybody else take part* seems not to even slightly dent their braggadocio.
(*Note: This isn’t strictly true, as the odd Canadian team is allowed to make up the numbers. The Toronto Blue Jays amusingly abused that privilege by not reading the script, and winning the World Series in 1992 and 1993.)
While on the subject of scripts, Hollywood has embraced America’s national game in a way that cricket can only dream of.
The top ten Baseball-themed movies have each grossed more than 50 million US Dollars, and the Major League Baseball website even has a page devoted to “The 25 Best Baseball Movies of All Time,” some of which, unbelievably, don’t even star Kevin Costner.
Cricket, however, has so far left Tinseltown decidedly unimpressed.
In an attempt to right that wrong, we’ve put our heads together to come up with…
The Top Ten list of Oscar-winning movies that weren’t about cricket but should have been.
- No Country for Old Men. England are forced to return home halfway through the 2038 Ashes in Australia when it is discovered the entire tour budget has been spent on muscle rub for Jimmy Anderson.
- Unforgiven. An all-action thriller in which fiery former England opener, Alex Hales, sits outside in the cold for the entire duration of the film and twiddles his thumbs.
- Around the World in 80 Days. As the go-to man in an injury crisis, Sam Billings dashes from continent to continent to play all three formats for England teams without ever managing to hold down a place in any of them.
- From Here to Eternity. Geoffrey Boycott, Rahul Dravid and Jacques Kallis reminisce about their favourite innings… in great detail.
- **Gone With The Wind. **The story of a young cricket ball’s dream to appear in the 2007 T20 World Cup, and how he finds himself in Stuart Broad’s hand as he runs in to Yuvraj Singh.
- Parasite. Bong Joon-ho's 2019 South Korean comedy won the Best Picture Oscar for his story of a poor family who manoeuvre their way into jobs for which they are totally unqualified. Our version tells the tale of all the England test openers since the Alastair Cook as they manoeuvre their way etc. etc. etc.
- Million Dollar Baby. Virat Kohli, Justin Langer, and Shakib Al Hasan (check him out on youtube; you’ll be glad you did) compete for the title of World Champion Tantrum Thrower.
- A Beautiful Mind. The unbelievable but true story of how a batsman averaging in the low 20’s not only held his place in a strong England side for five years but would captain them 31 times. His success might have had a lot to do with the bowlers at his disposal but there is no doubting Mike Brearley brought the best out of those playing under him. Possibly, of all our suggestions, this one genuinely could make an engrossing movie as a study in the psychology of man-management. But we’d probably through in a couple of car chases just to be on the safe side.
- The Hurt Locker. The career of Nasser Hussain is lovingly documented in this emotional collage of his finest bat-throwing and dressing-room destroying moments.
- The English Patient. The gripping story of Mark Wood whose entire career consisted of coming back from injury just long enough to injure himself again.
Well, that’s our Top Ten. We’re pretty sure you can come up with more of your own. Let us know in the comments below.