Strava and The Plot to Kill Maureen

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I started getting into Strava app when the Gyms were closed to stay fit and I found it excellent. I became a premium member which revealed to me these things called segments which were stretches of road in which the Strava runners competed with each other for King of the Segment. Now I am one of those fellas at the gym that stays on the treadmill longer than the person beside me. It's just a competitive edge in me but I do make sure I hop on the treadmill beside a guy or girl who has been on it some time already so I cannot jump off early. That person do not know they are competing with me but they are. Maybe they do the same with me.
So I started out on Strava and recorded my runs and had the watch and heartrate monotor and the whole nine yards. I was like a nerdy Robocop leaving the house. I started running 3km then 5km and then I moved onto the 10km and declared myself fit again. I started creeping people's routes on Strava. Johnny from around the corner was doing 15km every night. Mainly to get away from his wife Joan and their little brat. Ann from down the road was doing laps of some field out the country and her map looked like something that a 2 year old was colouring in. Definitely having an affair. She's in that ditch for a good 30 minutes and the heartrate does be at 170BPM. Then there is Big Seamus from up the road who is made go for a run because of his obesity and his wife checks his Strava to make sure he's not in Burger King. Again squiggles all over the shop. I'm pretty sure that he attached the watch to the dogs collar as there is no way Seamus could reach speeds of 17 Kmph.
Safe in the knowledge I was fitter than 90% of my neighbourhood with the exception of my Olympic marathon runner next door who completed the Berlin marathon in 2 hours 14 minutes, I was quite content so I moved onto segments.

As I said earlier a segment on Strava is a length of road, field track where there is a virtual start and finish line. If you run through these segments then Strava records your time on the segments and compares you with whoever ran the segment already in that day/ week and all time. Now I will never be number one because of the pedigree of my next door neighbour has that wrapped up but I want to be in the top 20 of all time around the area where I live.

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So the segment was on a noisy main road near my house. It takes 1.63km in total and looking at this now I feel my time is a bit off. I could run this on a treadmill in 5 minutes but the road is windy and there's a slight elevation for 1km that takes it out of you. So I started off doing it in 8 minutes in May but there were a few lads I didn't like that were ahead of me so I ran a few good times after this and I am now 27th this year on the segment. Not bad but there is a guy called Anthony ahead of me who I don't like the head of and is beating me by a millisecond and I cannot be having that at all. I am currently doing heart rate training now to my pace faster so I can smash the 7 minute barrier and become the top ten in the Segment.

[Source](Image by Benjamin Balazs from Pixabay)

However in recent weeks some old one called Maureen who is around 70 recorded the grueling 1.6km segment in 40 seconds. She then ran 10km in 17 minutes clocking up an average speed of 60 Km per hour. Maureen was clocking faster than a cheetah, the silly bllly recorded herself in her car as she drove to the post office and wiped all the top runners off top spot in their segments. Maureen who lives in 1 College avenue and owns a Nissan Micra is now the most hated woman on the Tipperary Strava app. She is unaware of the dirty looks and evil stares from runners going past her house. There has been talks of one of us ringing Strava HQ to put in an emergency call about this travesty of justice. A blue rinsed old woman with a pearly necklace and a cardigan should not be doing an Usain Bolte on the Segments around the town. Something needs to be done. Last week she was bending down outside her house to pick up the milk and an early morning runner shouted obsenities at here.

Delete your Starva profile you f"£$cking B$%£ch. I'm now in 28th placeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I don't think she heard him. She is now used to washing the eggs off her window each day but the data is still on Strava. Maureen is still numero uno. There has been a plot to steal her phone and delete her Strava records but none of the top competitors on Strava are hardened criminals. Maureen records a lap of the race course on Strava with Kitty every Thursday at 10am, heart rates between around 80BPM - 100BPM. Pace analysis suggests they take a break half way around the racecourse to admire the view and pick some flowers. It would be too risky kidnapping Maureen here as Kitty is in the way and we don't want collateral damage. Kitty is a bit niftier also with an average pace of 7:45 / km so I wouldn't mess with her.
We had another meeting a week later in the Segments underground layer.
There was another Strava record from Maureen entitled "Lovely Little Walk around the Lake with Raffles" that may be our chance to erase Maureen's terrible Strava mischief. We need her pin code from her in order to get into her phone and delete the records so the waterboarding has been set up next to the lake by Bryson the Marine who is currently in 8th place for the segment and has a max heartrate of 180BPM. I'll hang onto the Jack Russell Raffles with a balaclava until the pin code is obtained and we finally delete her despicable Strava records.
Much to the dismay of Bryson , we did not need the old waterboarding tactics as the pen is mightier than the sword and someone asked Maureen's daughter if she would delete her stupid time off the Strava app. Her daughter thinks the whole thing is stupid and who in there right mind would be on an app that records your runs for everyone else to see.

It may be stupid but I'm now back in 27th place without having to do a murder!